25th November

Well it’s 5.30pm English Sunday time. I’m at the DMU Library, drinking relentless and feeling very on my own, because I’m on the bottom floor and almost all others are in groups! I fancy pulling an all-nighter, but have no reason to do so. Besides, I have to be up early tomorrow for my Devising lesson. We are in the middle of our first solo devised pieces.

For my performance, I’ll be talking about the internet, biggin’ it up as they say. But showing how it cuts us off from each other. How social networking sites bring us close to our distance friends and further from our current ones, showing that some people near enough live online.

Then I’ll go and talk about porn, my first porn movie. I’ll go from talking about it to doing it. Pretty harsh stuff, seeing me act porn on stage, but fuck it. It’s going to be a good laugh. In a real life twist, like the end of the performance, this laptop of mine broke earlier this week and wouldn’t load. I thought it was fucked, and it came at a very bad time! It gave me a real insight into my own dependence on technology, which since discovering the “f11” key on boot-up secret, has started to re-affirm itself on me.

But for a few days when I thought all my work was lost for good I spent a terrific amount of time in the real world, quite an interesting experience. I met the new manager of Leicester (a guy called Steve Holloway) and shook his hand. I’m meeting celebrities already, have at you, bitches!

18th November - Coming into the cold

Its really cold these days, the weather report says today's high temperature will be three degrees Celsius and the low will be one. To complement this it was snowing earlier. Snow or not, my feet feel icy almost all the time now! I do like snow, but done like cold!

I got my loan, and haven’t kept it! I'm sure it will have gone down about 500 since last week but can't imagine why! Money is a curious thing! I'm still only spending what little I need to and the Man across the road can whistle while he works if he thinks I'm going to make him a top priority! Ahh, what rebel stirs inside of me!

A new week starts and I'm going to try and make this a very special one, by attending all the lectures this week! Usually I miss one, or sometimes a full days worth, of lessons. But this week I'm going to pull my metaphorical finger out! There's lots of work to do, and assignments to start, yes indeed!

8th November

Tonight I talk little of abstract thoughts such as feelings, beliefs and the mystic (should I even affect more than pretentious insights into any such subject please correct me). I talk even less of the feelings hid in me, for who but me would care? I talk even less of my daily life than to say I have a big-ass bill I'm meant to pay, and I have sold some £55’s worth of McDonalds Coke glasses. Tonight I talk to make little sense, with freedom and fluidity, to empty my glass, to just get it out there.

I'm sick of squalor, I'm sick of brokenness I'm sick of being in THIS situation, I'm sick of waking up in the morning and knowing I'm doing all the things I do because I am flowing this way and that against my will. I don’t and will not LET things happen but will MAKE things happen. If I try and make it happen it won’t but if I wish and don’t, it will?

Should [SHE] care she would tell me, yeah? But maybe [SHE] doesn’t, and if I expect [SHE] to then I must say that I do too. Maybe [SHE] can be made to but if I wish then I act and that is maybe not good for me or [SHE]. They say to you “follow your heart”, but your heart does nothing, but beat. The thinking takes place in the head zone; the head zone is the place to be.

I wait for money, I wait for love. I believe both are out there within my reach, should I act. Action changes things and at least you showed purpose. Passive is a flaw I can no longer content myself to be. From now on active, for as long as it takes, to get what I want. Money finds you, and so does love, if it is your wish, find’s you at the strangest of times, and places.

Tonight, we ordered pizza, two 15” marvels which we did somehow manage to burn up. We watch two movies I had seen before, BLACK SHEEP and THE PICK OF DESTINY. I expect money tomorrow.

7th November

My loan papers have arrived.

I repeat, my loan papers have arrived.

Please do not under-estimate the amount of joy this event, and it’s knowledge have brought me! In “three to five working days” as the lady who subsequently scanned said papers said to me, I will be in the money for the first time in what seems like years. I have been getting progressively poorer, riding the debt elevator down as far as it will go literally, and I am now £1,560 from being “in the black”. If it wasn’t for my earlier foray into the world of car wing mirrors and dents, I would stand some chance of being “in the black” for more than a few days, by my second loan payment. But this is not to be.

Whilst on the subject of money, I’d like to point out, HIGHLIGHT, the anger I am currently storing from my flatmates. As those who have read or found out might carefully remember, I have the smallest bedroom in the house, as from seven weeks ago. One of the preconditions of this room “blow softeners” if you will, was what I have uselessly come to call “soft rent”; money that the other housemates pay the guy in the small room, that’s me. Ten pounds a week we agreed, but of the Seventy quid I am now owed I have none. I don’t think I would be beyond my overdraft limit, or have incurred the £25 fine I did today had they kept their word. They have in this sense, let me down. It’s not as bad because they have been helping me in a time of need over this car business, but that’s not enough to keep me from the edge of starvation. The day before yesterday it came down to just one tin of spaghetti in my cupboard, nothing else. Beans, bread, sausages and everything else, all drinks all spam all milk gone.

Today is To_’s birthday. I got him a card, and drew him a mini on half of it, I was actually rather proud of the effort. Like last year we tried to make him do 20 shots, one for each year. This time I think we didn’t make it.

I only had funds to have about four pints, and get To_ a drink too. By the time he appeared at the Polar Bear pub, he was quite inebriated. He had gone to a house (or two) to meet course mates before coming down. He was swaying all over the place, and the only reason he managed to get served is that we told the staff it was his birthday (and that a few of us looked sober enough to care for him!). My contribution to his yearly shots was the 12^th 13^th or 14^th, I cannot remember.

After this I walked back home, accompanying some of the girls from the old G1 flat of Bede, Ha___, Mi___, Ca__ and Rh___. All this got me well ready for bed and I promptly fell asleep.

1st November

That’s it now, I'm so far in the red the idea of ever being straight with the banks again seems, frankly silly. I've had to say twice to people this last week that I literally have no money, however they still believe or choose the figurative.

Halloween just past I can say it was an average night out at liquid, save for the fact that I was more or less sober. So I noted the smell of sweat much more that I normally would, the club stank. All the usual bad things were encountered, inability to find anyone once lost, lighting which blinds and certainly hinders finding people and of course been packed in like sardines. I was safe from the ridiculous bar times by having no money though.

Then for some reason most people left really early and one got predictably off her bizzy P face completely… and dancing on your own, tsk that’s definitely a no-no in a place like liquid!

There’s more to say, but I'm really tired. perhaps the negative money situation is transpiring to make me more grumpy, it’s weird, I feel so weird sometimes these days. Enough, these are words for some place else than this page!