8th November

Tonight I talk little of abstract thoughts such as feelings, beliefs and the mystic (should I even affect more than pretentious insights into any such subject please correct me). I talk even less of the feelings hid in me, for who but me would care? I talk even less of my daily life than to say I have a big-ass bill I'm meant to pay, and I have sold some £55’s worth of McDonalds Coke glasses. Tonight I talk to make little sense, with freedom and fluidity, to empty my glass, to just get it out there.

I'm sick of squalor, I'm sick of brokenness I'm sick of being in THIS situation, I'm sick of waking up in the morning and knowing I'm doing all the things I do because I am flowing this way and that against my will. I don’t and will not LET things happen but will MAKE things happen. If I try and make it happen it won’t but if I wish and don’t, it will?

Should [SHE] care she would tell me, yeah? But maybe [SHE] doesn’t, and if I expect [SHE] to then I must say that I do too. Maybe [SHE] can be made to but if I wish then I act and that is maybe not good for me or [SHE]. They say to you “follow your heart”, but your heart does nothing, but beat. The thinking takes place in the head zone; the head zone is the place to be.

I wait for money, I wait for love. I believe both are out there within my reach, should I act. Action changes things and at least you showed purpose. Passive is a flaw I can no longer content myself to be. From now on active, for as long as it takes, to get what I want. Money finds you, and so does love, if it is your wish, find’s you at the strangest of times, and places.

Tonight, we ordered pizza, two 15” marvels which we did somehow manage to burn up. We watch two movies I had seen before, BLACK SHEEP and THE PICK OF DESTINY. I expect money tomorrow.