28th October

“The greatest mystery the universe offers is not life but Size. Size encompasses life, and the Tower encompasses Size. The child, who is most at home with wonder, says: Daddy, what is above the sky? And the father says: The darkness of space. The child: What is beyond space? The father: The galaxy. The child: Beyond the galaxy? The father: Another galaxy. The child: Beyond the other galaxies? The father: No one knows.” (Stephen King, The Gunslinger)

A less practical mind that a child may also be unable to imagine that the ground on which he sits really curves. That we can via the use of many technologies move from our sphere of existence and fly away into space to look down, is in itself a maddening fact. How could one from the clarity of space see our world, and the thousands of pinpricks of light in the universe and keep ones rational mind, when before you, infinity is present.

The answer is because we are stoic beings. Even the apotheosis of all philosophers, faced with that dim infinity of light would be simply unable to grasp the sheer size of everything. The adage is that we in our little solar system are to the universe as a speck of sand is to our world and even this is only conjecture. If indeed there is any kind of afterlife ahead I would wish for nothing other than a chance to walk at my own speed from one end of the galaxy to the other. An infinite task as it grows every day. Grows into what?

26th October

Welcome to the weekend. It’s Friday, and adversely I feel quite low again. See the money situation is not getting better. It’s getting quite bad actually, as I now have no money I can spend at all. Not even enough to pay the rent due in a few days time. So tomorrow I'm going to the bank to try and sort stuff out a bit. But yes, this feeling that you cant do anything without money, despite what I've written in recent times, is slowly taking over and filling me with gloominess.

To make things worse the guy across the road whose car I damaged came with a bill for the simply ridiculous sum for mending everything that’s wrong with his six year old car. Well I'm going to have to reason with him I guess, I certainly cannot pay that much.

So now would be a good time for some lovely lady to walk into my life and make me think of nothing but herself all the time and just make light of everything else. Oh no are the pigs flying again?

25th October

Suddenly the tunnel started rumbling, it had been a mistake to come here. Something fell from above, a piece of masonry. Cut deep into my hand. The blood started coming out, not slow and retarded, but fast, and fluid. I couldn’t stop the blood, squirting like three half dead water pistols. My hand goes numb, my arm, my chest.

I'm in a prison camp; everyone sleeps in stables, smelling horrible. The guards beat us viciously, the women are raped, and people keep disappearing. We hear gunfire. They don’t feed us. Some die, others go mad. We must escape. So we hatch a plan to. A friend organises most of it, him and his friend are capable of breaching the large locked doors, he tells us. Then we can run into the forest, where freedom may be. We go, they break the doors down and about ten of us run for it. Half a minute later and there is shouting. Gun fire, the men in front start to fall. I turn and see my friend, the one who organised the escape standing, just inside the camp, yelling that we are escaping to the guards. Repulsion arrives just before the bullet.

Dreams of the night, bad ones I suppose, but sometimes reality seems bad. However dreams are far from literal, and I understand the first one to be my feelings about who I am now. The second ones meaning is somewhat vaguer. I seem the theme of oppression and despair, and also of betrayal. I know the context, but not the frame of it. Maybe the answer will reveal itself in time.

People also seem at this time of year to be quite poor, and therefore downhearted, staying in because they “have no money”. As poor as you are my friends, there will always be a poorer person. Besides, there is lots that you can do with no money at all! Go for a walk or bike ride. Or go and see a sports match between Universities. Most matches are free, except the big ones near the end of the year. Or go and listen to some acoustic music, (like me and Ashly did at SUMO, before the bands). I did all that yesterday and none of it, besides the beers I bought at sumo, cost a thing! Surely its better than a night in front of the TV, or PC. Unless obviously you’re with a loved one!

21st October

So it’s starting then, saving up the money I used to drink excessively for other pursuits, namely replacing a car part I recently took a decapitating stance to. My financial frugality is needed now more than ever I think! It will pay off I'm sure, I'm already scouting out potential money making opportunities, from work at home to acting opportunities even thinking about hard core gambling, but my string of luck would have me betting my last pair of socks within a fortnight. At present I continue through life with some bemusement and no particular sense of goal, even though I have friends and parties to go to.

We’re always travelling, even if its just only in time. But we travel one way and wish for the other, because we’re walking into darkness; the future. Whilst the past is lit up through memories, we have no guidance system for the future. You can plan, but if the force of fate and chance wishes, your plans will be ruined before the day is over! So they say live in the moment, the irresponsible now.

Another week starts, another week of lessons and friends and parties (no arrests hopefully), of conversations and meditations. Another week where the only warmth in my heart is that warmth which I hope will be there one day.

15th October

Monday, we had a workshop with Nicholas Arnold. This was devising of course and it was really good. For homework we have to observe someone we don’t know (creepy) and learn to impersonate their gestures and movements.

I got bored later on, and realised I had books needing to go back to the library. I was just litereally moments from going when Jo__ Jo__ Ja___ and Mi__ said they would be coming round, insisted actually. I didn’t say no, as I hadn’t seen them in some time. I previewed them some of the songs I've made which they always (seem) to enjoy.

Later Jo__, Mi__ and Ja__ eft. Me, Jo__ and An__ went to An__’s room and burnt Mary Jane.

14th October

Today my main task was doing my washing. So I got up at the unacceptably early time of 10.23. My badly planned Sunday washing day did not go so well as we have limited space in the house to dry things and outside its almost as cold as a polar bears arse (that’s not from personal experience though). So its now 9pm and theres a lot of washing still to be dried. In fact I now cannot be bothered to bring in what’s out there, so it can dry tomorrow maybe, if a phantom ninja doesn’t come along and steal it first!

I've done nothing else really except for a few hours downstairs I went on internet radio stations and sampled a lot of different music from around the world. Bhangra, Happy Hardcore, Latino, Experimental Electronic; there really are some strange things out there!

And now there’s little left to do but work. I have browsed ebay to death, looking at cameras, electronics, extra speakers; that pointless stuff that you don’t really need but really want. The million green specks of light dancing above my head are really nice but I have work to do and I just can’t be arsed.

Next week, tomorrow I am going to start making my fortune, one bit at a time. I will get dirty rich, quickly in whatever manner I have to, hopefully famous along the way. I'll become rich as Bill Gates and then I'll just disappear, leaving my millions to charity. Helping those whose lives will never be a fraction of what mine already is, I feel sick when I imagine people dying pointless deaths every day. Not the religious fanatic, no they can die if they think they have a right to tell us what to do. The poor primarily, but you must think, if we made the poor as rich as we are, then technically that would make us poor too? Not that I'm saying its right to leave people in poverty, but there is ALWAYS going to be a poor.

So yeah that work I was going to do….

13th October

Today I went shopping, on a budget. The £14 spent is hopefully going to last me till next week. I actually got in touch with my mum who has now twigged on that I have no phone and checked her emails. She has filled out the forms the SLC sent and is going to post them on Monday. That’s good, I've not had any idea where my loan process is, and now I do. Good god it looks like I may actually get my loan by Christmas. Hopefully year three will be the time when I get my loan done properly, forms filled out and everything. Like the model swot I want to be!

13th October

Today I went shopping, on a budget. The £14 spent is hopefully going to last me till next week. I actually got in touch with my mum who has now twigged on that I have no phone and checked her emails. She has filled out the forms the SLC sent and is going to post them on Monday. That’s good, I've not had any idea where my loan process is, and now I do. Good god it looks like I may actually get my loan by Christmas. Hopefully year three will be the time when I get my loan done properly, forms filled out and everything. Like the model swot I want to be!

12th October

It’s Friday, and I've kind of got that Friday feeling, but not much. The weekend is normally big time party time for students and I'm quite penniless. I spent a while playing computer games and then working on some songs on the pc. I want to try and get some super sequel to my current “hit” “Black Magic”, if only I was really famous instead of just writing songs for my friends to have a laugh at. I could be the next pop star… actually probably not.

I changed my room around today. At the sacrifice of two of the poorest drawers in history I gave my room that much needed “spacious” feeling. It took ages though, and re-wiring my 300 watt 6 speaker sound system did take a long time!

I keep telling myself, “at the weekend settle down and do some writing work” but this weekend turns into “next weekend” and I envisage this weekend being quite the same, unproductive and practically boring time as every other skint weekend I've ever had.

11th October

Getting things in motion, doing lessons, on the whole it’s been quite productive. I am now so poor I'm going to give up or seriously limit my nights out and drinking, yes things really are getting that bad. When I first found out it put me in quite a bad depression then I started to see that a penniless life isn’t quite that bad.

Unfortunately life in houses means parties are much fewer and definitely further between, not bad though as I have no money. Lots of people are going on about missing Bede Hall, and wanting the first year again. Personally I think I'm immune to that nostalgia myself, but I digress. Also being in houses makes it a lot difficult to communicate with other former flatmates and Bede-mates. My phones still broken, so the internet is the only real tool. Most people seem too busy though to use it, in fact some seem not to even bother talking anymore, which is sad indeed!

This week I decided to have a birthday, or at least plan one. 28 days before normal so that there’s a good chance people wont have good excuses not to come. So far 16 people have promised their company for December 1^st and more soon will, I hope!

The lessons are over for the week. I'm not as clueless as I used to be about my student loan. It’s on its way soon hopefully, my mum got and filled out and tomorrow will send back the forms for them to check out, so hopefully soon I'll have the form I need to take and show the university people!

10th October

The flu has left me, thank god! I also was able to go out and socialise on a grand scale in a somewhat drunken state. After being in Mosh until about two am we decided to pop next door for a Subway meal, until we realised how skint we were.

Nothing else to report today, we had another creative writing lecture, about the basics of story writing. I must admit that, however boring the subject sounds the lesson was actually quite interesting. Nothing much happened in the evening, no party invites, no parties at all that I'm aware of. This is good. It means I don’t have to feel bad that I haven’t got the money to socialise/drink as there are no opportunities to do so.

9th October

We had quite an interesting lesson with Sim___ this morning. We watched these weird art films that were all philosophical, relating to humans who are affected by their surroundings, in a dramatic way. For instance how impractical it would be for Stephen King’s “Misery” to have been set in the city.

After this my flu decided to start giving me hell, I think it’s on its way and is about to go out with a bang, which I'm going to try and sleep through. I'm missing two or three lessons in the afternoon in some vain hope that it’ll have gone by this evening so I can go and get very drunk.

8th October

Well in truth I'm quite upset today. I have almost no money left to my name, well to the names of the bank accounts I own. I don’t have the faintest clue when or where my loan is and life seems quite bad to be in right about now. This is Monday though, and the opportunities of the week are all open, like the chance to get trashed then go to Mosh tomorrow, or the chance that someone amazing will walk into my life between now and its end. Also, I still have some kind of flu virus, damn those freshers and their airborne diseases.

3rd October – Held

At close range, you can see the smudges on windows, the stains. Someone came along and changed that window; they left an imprint on it. No longer is it the see through situation you thought it was. Almost always someone is touching the pane, how does one keep it clean? Sometimes these windows make time seem to stop. For one terrifying moment you are there locked into looking and unable to do anything but imagine.

When these windows have such power, you are indeed vulnerable. My fallacy and many others, is in trying to keep the window clean, we hide the truthfulness of where we’ve been and what we’ve done, what we seek and what we know. We do it because we don’t want the smudges, no one wants to be easily read, but some marks are easier to hide than others. We want people to think we are see through and that we obscure nothing, that we’re as shiny as the rest or better.

My window is far too dirty for my own good, but for a few priceless seconds today I was read more clearly for all the dirt I've accumulated. I let mine dirty, for although some marks are foul scratches, the total of the imprints shows a greater understanding to those who may wish to stop and look into me.