I'm retarded. No really, I am a bloody idiot. I've just had the worst drama in months going off. Being scared out of my wits, dashing from my nearly empty bedroom to the bathroom, jumping over the landing like Indiana Jones, with a 500 page book on how to design custom levels for the classic pc game “DOOM” in my hand… because of the spiders.
Yes two of them, a while ago there was one on the landing and it was fucking massive and that’s no joke. That beast had a size of over 3 inches! I and mum just cowered in our rooms for the night. In the morning it was gone.
This evening though a small one, a child-spider emerged from behind my desk, it was barely an inch and posed no threat to me. So I watched it with interest. I decided if it crossed the half way point of my room, and started heading for the bed bit, I would kill it. It went around half of my room and then out of the second door which we don’t use anymore (it’s from the time my room was two rooms).
I went out; to watch it, and make sure it strode far away from my room. I watched it move a little along the skirting, moving with impressive speed for its little size. Then two things happened almost at exactly the same time. The first was that I noticed I was standing in the landing at the top of the stairs, where the big spider had last been seen, the second, almost as a direct answer was movement, fast and close by my feet.
I screamed involuntarily, not a girl scream, it was more of an “arrrh!”, but surely it must have woken my mum (but if it did, she hasn’t stirred). I ran to the bathroom, now trapped. I looked back and saw that… yes indeed. The big spider was back (although thankfully no bigger). The small spider had, in a few short moments ran it seemed to within a few feet of the other spider, which seemed to not notice. My heart could have been emulating a very fast hardcore song at that moment and I had a weird feeling that it was going to give. It didn’t.
However I was now trapped, from my bedroom where I knew all the potential weapons were. My previous feelings of benevolence were gone, now I was in survival mode, and there are no ethics or laws to govern how you think in such situations. It was kill or be killed. I can cope with knowing perhaps that there is maybe one spider in the house but not two! And certainly not when one is that big bastard over th…
OH SHIT IT’S MOVING LIKE A FERRARI, MY WAY!!
Something then clicked and I knew I had to get to my bedroom, which was the other side of the landing, door still ajar. There was a book in there, heavy and big, it could do the job. I mustered my courage and simply performed the most impossible long jump for a house, I almost crashed into my desk, I found the book (its hard to miss) and went back, the little spider was coming back my way.
I dealt with that first, it ran up the wall and I slammed the book into it. Although I hate the things (and that is rather xenophobic isn’t it?) I didn’t want it to suffer. Last I checked it’s crumpled body was still stuck to the wall.
Then there was the big one, and that bastard could really move. As proof of this, whilst I was killing the big one, it had gone, vanished. Or so it seemed. Then after a moment I noticed, right there in the corner a mark on the carpet, where I had not seen one before. To be sure it was what I thought it was I chucked pennies at it. All missed.
When I had returned to the doorway with penny number four it had gone. Couldn’t see it, couldn’t find it. Then I noticed it, right in the other corner, it must have warp factor or something because I could not see anything that moved that fast at such a size as being natural. It was book time.
It took me almost four minutes to aim the book and muster the courage to throw it, and when I did the book missed it completely, and fell downstairs. For some miracle, mum had not stirred at all. But my constant mutterings about “I've got to kill it” and “oh fuck it moved” may have put her in the know. Then I got another weapon, as the spider would never let me reach the book.
It was a flimsy plastic rectangle, weighing very little. It is one of those things that come in the bottom of big bags to keep the base flat and square. The spider was moving, it moved, now limping up and under the
Then it made a break for it, heading for my mums door. It was now or never, I crossed the landing threw down the plastic and jumped on it, but to make sure the job was done, I stood on it, proper and all over. Nothing besides sheer rock would have survived my weight. It was all over.
That entire insanely useless story, which outlines the cruelty of humanity when faced with the unknown, has left me little time to talk about my actual day. So I'll write again tomorrow morning, before I leave, if possible.
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